Dear Billy Blanks

Dear Fitness Instructors,

Most of my doctors have told me to exercise more.  They don’t seem to understand that with fibromyalgia, walking down the stairs is exercise, I just don’t have the energy to "waste" it.  Granted, exercise is good for you, but I already have to cut out certain parts of my day, such as a social life, because I don’t have the strength for it.  People argue that if you exercise you feel better, however I just feel like death.  However, I have been feeling good enough to exercise since the weather changed, which means that I need to find a routine that works for me.  The gym is out, because it’s outside the house & I don’t want to go overboard. 

So, I needed some good exercise videos.  I love tae bo, because I get to kick things, but it’s just too much of a workout for me. I’ve watched several tapes & have developed the following rules for anyone who would be my fitness instructor.

1.  Please don’t mention what muscle group I am exercising.  If that’s all you have to talk about, it’s a pretty sure bet that the workout is not fun.

2.  I may be tired but I can still count.  Don’t tell me, "Just one more", & they have us do eleven more reps.

3.  Don’t keep telling me I look beautiful & I’m doing a great job.  You can’t see me & I’m probably messing it up. Just once I’d like an instructor to look into the TV & say "What the crap are you doing? That’s all wrong".

My Princess Acceptance Speech

Throughout the years, I’ve constantly been refining what I will say when I finally am crowned princess of the entire world.  I’m well qualified for the job & I look great in a tiara, so it’s only a matter of time.  Usually acceptance speeches are full of "thank you’s".  Having fought fibromyalgia for over a decade, there just aren’t that many people to thank.  A lot of people have told me that it’s all in my head, or I just need to think positively.  These people will not be making an appearance in my acceptance speech.

However, the person that will receive the bulk of my gratitude will be my mom.  I was only 2 lbs. 2 oz when I was born, & she stayed at the hospital with me constantly for over a month & fought to keep me alive.  When I got sick when I was 12 she fought for me again.  She became a diligent note keeper, she scoured the Internet for hours so she’d know the right questions to ask the doctors.  She wouldn’t give up & kept taking me to doctors until we found the source of the problem.  She probably knows more about my health than most specialists. She fought to help me find a place in the world.  Everything my business has done, or will do, is the direct result of her encouragement.  There are so many times I wanted to give up the whole idea, but she wouldn’t let me. She’s a beautiful, graceful woman who also has the distinction of being a fearless warrior, & for that I’m grateful.

Become Blog Worthy

Whenever a nonblogger (really should come up with a better name for those people), finds out that I blog they invariably ask, “Will you write about me?”. Sure I read a lot about SEO & I try to give links to people, but it’s an odd request when someone just wants to be randomly mentioned. It’s also tough for a non-blogger, non-celebrity, non-criminal to get mentioned in the blogosphere. So if you want to make it onto a blog may I suggest the following:

1. Be the worst customer service rep ever. May I suggest randomly switching accents in the same conversation or quoting Nietzsche as the answer to when people can expect to get their rebates in the mail.

2. Celebrate Neil Diamond’s birthday every year, invite lots of friends, put the price of cake & ice cream on your credit card if you must.

3. Tell me that I should be President, & that you will vote for me when the time comes.

4. Work your way to the top of a big company as the idea guy. Then introduce something like “sparkling lime” Windex. I will have no choice but to mock you.

The final way you can become blog worthy is to…

5. Get kicked out of a pub for not wearing shoes. Then, do the logical thing & tie slabs of pork to your feet that you won earlier in the day & reenter the pub. Slip & fall, & then sue the owner for not having a sign up warning you against pork shoes. Then win a $32,000 settlement. (This was in the “weird news” years back but I couldn’t find a link) Pork shoes will make you blog worthy every time.

So start practicing those fake accents & find a celebrity’s birthday to celebrate & you’ll be blog worthy in no time. Be sure to check out some other great top 5 lists, or write one of your own. It will make you feel like David Letterman.